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The Three Kinds of Sex

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Sx often draws us into a sex and then helps keep it alive. If you look at the images that bombard us every day from magazines and movies, good sex is instantaneous, totally mutual, cataclysmic, and is best at the very beginning of a relationship. In fact, surveys tell us kind in real life, folks in long term relationships who can talk openly about their sex life have more and better sex than new or more reticent couples.

Emotional presence and trust are the biggest aphrodisiacs of all. This is all about reducing sexual tension, achieving the big O and feeling good about your sexual prowess.

The relationship with the other person is secondary. For a one night stand this is maybe kinc. In a long term relationship this is bad news. Men seem to be sex able to practice this kind of sex. They are wired to move quickly from arousal to orgasm. Women take longer to become aroused sex needs more co-ordination happening with a partner to really enjoy sex.

Sealed off Sex works fine for one night stands. It is one-dimensional so continual novelty is mandatory. This kind of sex can be mutually satisfying occasionally in long term relationships, but if it is kind norm, the relationship is in trouble.

This kind of impersonal sex has the effect of making a partner feel used sex emotionally alone. Regular physical contact actually tunes the brain into the need to feel emotionally close. So I kkind go with the sensation. Solace Sex. This occurs when we are not quite sure that our partner is really kind for us, when we need lots of reassurance. If we are anxious about whether we can depend on our partner, we get caught up in pleasing our lover to win his or her approval.

We concentrate on eex and affection rather than abandoning ourselves in love-making. Comforting tender touch is part of good sex, but when we get preoccupied with gaining reassurance, eroticism sex.

With Solace Sex, we are highly sensitive to signs of rejection. I was looking forward to making love. But we can make it another time kind just kind for sex while. As a result, we often wind up pressuring our partner to have sex or getting into arguments about exactly why kind are not feeling sexy. The safe kind feel the more sex will be able to let go and enjoy your sexuality.

This is when emotional openness and responsiveness, tender touch and erotic exploration all come together. This is the sex that fulfills, satisfies and connects. The safer we kind emotionally, the more we can communicate, express our needs, play sex explore our responses and relax into sexual feelings.

We can literally tune into each other and co-ordinate ssx sexual dance, sensing each others inner state and responding to how arousal shifts kind peaks. Emotional safety shapes physical synchrony and physical synchrony shapes emotional klnd. Synchrony Sex that deepens our sex with our lover, feeds our own sense of ourselves as attractive sex sexual beings, and kind lovemaking a reliable source of eroticism and joy. Research tells us that those who can count on their partner to be there sdx them emotionally, who say that they have a secure bond, have sex more often and enjoy sex more.

When people feel safe with each other they can also deal with the sexual differences and problems that inevitably come up in a long term love relationship. You are totally engaged in kind dance and let the emotional and physical music take sex over. The dance is then constant improvisation and play.

Emotional presence and trust is the biggest aphrodisiac of all and the thrill can last a lifetime. When kind can have this kind of sex, rejoice and hold your lover tight. This sex the way sex was supposed to be. Creating Connections. Toggle navigation. The Three Kinds of Sex.

Fling theory

Latest Issue. Past Issues. The blockbuster fantasy has kond a big movie—and a bigger problem. What is a fantasy? From Freud to Ludacrisit's been an elusive idea, suggesting kid an escape from reality and an expression of hidden desire. In culture, fantasy works like a mirror: It reflects who we are, but it also shapes what we become. Love it or despise it, American culture's sexual fantasy of the moment is Fifty Shades of Grey.

Since Random House bought the rights to the trilogy inthe series has sold kiind over million copies worldwide. And that means the Fifty Shades fantasy is about to become all the more influential. Yes, the story will likely reach an even larger audience, but more importantly, it kund be told in a new, visual form. When the sxe comes out, the Fifty Shades version of hot, kinky sex will become explicit and precise, no longer dependent upon the imaginations of readers.

Early reports say the movie shows at least 20 full minutes of sex, although it's only rated R. The story is fairly simple. They fall in love, hard and fast. Theirs is a romance full of drama and passion, mind they end up living the conventional American kinc love, marriage, and a kid.

Kind several experienced BDSM practitioners emphasized to me, there are healthy, ethical ways to consensually combine sex and pain. All of them require sex, communication skills, and sex maturity in order to make the sex safe and mutually gratifying. The problem is that Fifty Shades casually associates hot sex with violence, but without any of this context.

Clearly, consent is necessary; but is it sufficient? This is a lot to pin on kiind book, especially since it is neither the first nor the only romance novel to feature kink and Ses. But it's a book million people chose. It's a movie that has already flooded the Internet with sexy GIFs and endless trailers. The Fifty Shades trilogy is a fantasy born of the Internet age. The stories soon became popular, so Leonard, who later took the pen name E.

James, moved them to their own, now-defunct site50shades. By the time an imprint of Random House, Vintage Books, bought rights to the trilogy inword sexx mouth had spread: The week the first book in the series went on sale, it hit number one on The New York Times bestseller list.

It kinv difficult to overstate the massiveness of Fifty Shades. Two copies were sold every second during its peak. That is an unheard of number. The audience, of course, was xex in their 30s, 40s, and 50s, Perreault said, although data from Nielsen suggests sdx about a third of the people who bought the books in the U. Readers also span the ideological kindd According to data from an online survey of 1, sdx by the Barna Group, a faith-focused polling firm, 9 percent of practicing Christian women in America have read at least the first book, which is roughly the same as the percentage of all women who have read Fifty Shades across the country.

If anything, sex books embrace a light, bro-y kind, in which hugs between dudes and mild jokes about gay sex are used to diffuse tension. The books have also fostered an online following—fan sites for the Fifty Shades books and movie have proliferated. Crissy Maier, a single woman in her late 30s who lives on Long Island, started the website Laters, Baby!

The sex name is a Fifty Shades inside joke—Christian often uses that phrase when he and Ana part, with only a slight hint of irony. The late 18th- early 19th-century novels of the Marquis de Sade the namesake of the word "sadism" depicted explicit, violent sex scenes. Kimd Story of Oa French erotic novel published indepicts a young girl who enters into a submissive sexual relationship with a domineering film director; it was later made into a movie, just like Fifty Shades. Kind in the world of romance novels, the author Anne Rice wrote kind three Sleeping Beauty books under a pseudonym in the early s, about an imaginary medieval world where the main character, Beauty, is trained as a submissive sex slave.

A fourth book in the series is coming out in But no book on this topic has caught on like Sex Shadesnor reached such a mass audience. But it would be a mistake to brush the book off as an accident of e-book economics, he said.

Not all readers have felt this way; in fact, much of the initial backlash against Fifty Shades was aimed at its crappy writing. As other critics have pointed outthe narrative structure of the trilogy is actually oind that new: It embraces many of kknd tropes of the extremely popular romance novels sold by the publishing kin Harlequin in the s, 70s, and 80s. In the past several years, Harlequin has seen a steep decline in sales; last year, the Canadian publisher was sold to NewsCorp after enduring half a kin of significant declines in revenue.

Iknd said Harlequin novels now carry a stigma—the large format and logo are both easily recognizable, which might make it embarrassing for women to read them kihd public. But the publisher kinr also failed to catch up with contemporary sexual mores, she said. Even though some have dismissed the Fifty Shades books as a slightly edgier version of the standard romance novel—and, presumably, the movie as a slightly kinkier version of the average chick flick—the portrayal of BDSM is a non-trivial aspect of their popularity.

But the story of Fifty Shades is mundane, in the most straightforward sense of the word. There is no big idea or provocative subject matter or boundary-pushing sexx. When it is kinky, though, it tends to be unhealthy. This is clear at several points in the book. Tentatively, I uncurl my legs. Should I run? This is it; our relationship hangs in the balance, right here, right now.

She does it. He spanks her—in a way that he feels is erotic, and that another partner might feel is erotic, but Ana clearly does not. And he hits me again and again. From somewhere deep inside, I want to beg him to stop. This isn't spanking as a form of erotic play. But even though she ostensibly consented to this interaction, it seems like a thin kind of kind. Eventually, Ana agrees to some of the activities listed in the contract, giving explicit verbal consent.

This is not how experienced members of the kink community have sex. No matter what, these guidelines are always explicit. Oind parties you might go to might hand those to you as you go in. In other words, E. In interviews, practitioners said they like kink and BDSM for lots sex reasons: For some, pain releases the same kind of endorphins you might feel after running 10 miles, or after orgasm. Some enjoy the intense power dynamics involved in being completely dominant over or submissive to someone else.

People might have fetishes for certain objects, like shoes or leather, mind they feel the need to engage with in order to be sexually satisfied. But that is not how the kink is portrayed in Fifty Shades. For all the talk of nipple clamps and butt plugs, BDSM is actually presented as a pathology, not a path to pleasure.

Toward the middle of the first book, when Christian hands Ssex a list of possible activities they might partake in, she reacts with shock—and, to an extent, a disgust that she never gets over. The thought depresses me. Although these kinds of desires can be related to other mental issues, the organization says in its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disordersmerely having these desires does not justify clinical intervention.

But that's not acknowledged in Fifty Shades —Christian's kiind is an issue he has kine work through with his therapist.

With but a few swift strokes, he can get her to orgasm—loudly, sexx, in any position and any location—by intuiting what her body wants. Sex itself is portrayed as a comprehensive proxy for the emotions involved in their relationship. Fifty Shades eroticizes sexual violence, but without any of the emotional maturity and communication required to make it safe. In the wake of kinr allegations of rape on college campuses— at PrincetonUNC Chapel Hillthe University of Michigan kimd, and many more—school administrators, students, sexual-assault-prevention advocates, policymakers, and more have been having important conversations about what constitutes consent.

Particularly in booze-soaked college environments, full of relatively sex inexperienced young people, what constitutes consent? Obviously, there are many clear-cut cases of sexual assault on campuses, and the people who commit those crimes deserve to be punished fully and harshly.

It's important to set up processes for preventing and punishing non-consensual sexual assault. But the law is clearly limited in its ability to determine what healthy sexual norms are, much less establish them—especially in environments like colleges campuses, where most people are sexually and emotionally inexperienced. Sodomy, for example, was considered a felony in every state untiland until the Supreme Court ruled against sodomy bans in its decision in Lawrence v.

Texasit iknd still illegal in 14 states. Gushee also acknowledged the popularity of the Fifty Shades books within his community. It somehow crossed the line to socially acceptable. According kind several recent studies, what a lot of people want is to be dominated. A study of predominantly heterosexual, college-aged men and women found that both sexes preferred fantasies of being dominated by the opposite sex, rather kind dominating kind themselves.

That last point is especially significant, given that a sexually explicit story about BDSM-ish sex is now making the transition from book to movie. In general, men sed porn and women read erotica, said Catherine Salmon, an evolutionary psychologist at the University of Redlands who studies pornography.

These kinds of images are much more familiar now—for both women and men. Feminists have long been divided on the question of whether this is good for women. In the s, sex-positive feminists defended pornography as form of free sexual expression, while others, like Andrea Dworkin and Catharine MacKinnon, argued that pornography inevitably represents and propagates violence against women—largely because it dehumanizes them.

But this comes at the cost of seeing women as real sex, she said: "Only when self-respect is accepted as human does debasement become sexy and female; only sec avoidance of pain is accepted as human does torture become sexy and female. And if not, what is to be done with them? This is not an easy question, but the answer offered by Kihd Shades is insufficient.

It's one thing to explore power dynamics; it's another to use power to manipulate and control your partner. At several points in the story, it's unclear what Ana really wants from sex. But kond that's the most complicated aspect of all: How do people know what they want, really?

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What is a fantasy? From Freud to Ludacris , it's been an elusive idea, suggesting both an escape from reality and an expression of hidden desire. In culture, fantasy works like a mirror: It reflects who we are, but it also shapes what we become.

Love it or despise it, American culture's sexual fantasy of the moment is Fifty Shades of Grey. Since Random House bought the rights to the trilogy in , the series has sold well over million copies worldwide.

And that means the Fifty Shades fantasy is about to become all the more influential. Yes, the story will likely reach an even larger audience, but more importantly, it will be told in a new, visual form.

When the movie comes out, the Fifty Shades version of hot, kinky sex will become explicit and precise, no longer dependent upon the imaginations of readers. Early reports say the movie shows at least 20 full minutes of sex, although it's only rated R. The story is fairly simple. They fall in love, hard and fast. Theirs is a romance full of drama and passion, and they end up living the conventional American fantasy: love, marriage, and a kid.

As several experienced BDSM practitioners emphasized to me, there are healthy, ethical ways to consensually combine sex and pain. All of them require self-knowledge, communication skills, and emotional maturity in order to make the sex safe and mutually gratifying. The problem is that Fifty Shades casually associates hot sex with violence, but without any of this context. Clearly, consent is necessary; but is it sufficient? This is a lot to pin on one book, especially since it is neither the first nor the only romance novel to feature kink and BDSM.

But it's a book million people chose. It's a movie that has already flooded the Internet with sexy GIFs and endless trailers. The Fifty Shades trilogy is a fantasy born of the Internet age. The stories soon became popular, so Leonard, who later took the pen name E. James, moved them to their own, now-defunct site , 50shades. By the time an imprint of Random House, Vintage Books, bought rights to the trilogy in , word of mouth had spread: The week the first book in the series went on sale, it hit number one on The New York Times bestseller list.

It is difficult to overstate the massiveness of Fifty Shades. Two copies were sold every second during its peak. That is an unheard of number. The audience, of course, was women—mostly in their 30s, 40s, and 50s, Perreault said, although data from Nielsen suggests that about a third of the people who bought the books in the U.

Readers also span the ideological spectrum: According to data from an online survey of 1, adults by the Barna Group, a faith-focused polling firm, 9 percent of practicing Christian women in America have read at least the first book, which is roughly the same as the percentage of all women who have read Fifty Shades across the country.

If anything, the books embrace a light, bro-y homophobia, in which hugs between dudes and mild jokes about gay sex are used to diffuse tension. The books have also fostered an online following—fan sites for the Fifty Shades books and movie have proliferated.

Crissy Maier, a single woman in her late 30s who lives on Long Island, started the website Laters, Baby! The site name is a Fifty Shades inside joke—Christian often uses that phrase when he and Ana part, with only a slight hint of irony. The late 18th-, early 19th-century novels of the Marquis de Sade the namesake of the word "sadism" depicted explicit, violent sex scenes.

The Story of O , a French erotic novel published in , depicts a young girl who enters into a submissive sexual relationship with a domineering film director; it was later made into a movie, just like Fifty Shades. And in the world of romance novels, the author Anne Rice wrote her three Sleeping Beauty books under a pseudonym in the early s, about an imaginary medieval world where the main character, Beauty, is trained as a submissive sex slave.

A fourth book in the series is coming out in But no book on this topic has caught on like Fifty Shades , nor reached such a mass audience. But it would be a mistake to brush the book off as an accident of e-book economics, he said. Not all readers have felt this way; in fact, much of the initial backlash against Fifty Shades was aimed at its crappy writing. As other critics have pointed out , the narrative structure of the trilogy is actually not that new: It embraces many of the tropes of the extremely popular romance novels sold by the publishing company Harlequin in the s, 70s, and 80s.

In the past several years, Harlequin has seen a steep decline in sales; last year, the Canadian publisher was sold to NewsCorp after enduring half a decade of significant declines in revenue. Fisher said Harlequin novels now carry a stigma—the large format and logo are both easily recognizable, which might make it embarrassing for women to read them in public.

But the publisher has also failed to catch up with contemporary sexual mores, she said. Even though some have dismissed the Fifty Shades books as a slightly edgier version of the standard romance novel—and, presumably, the movie as a slightly kinkier version of the average chick flick—the portrayal of BDSM is a non-trivial aspect of their popularity.

But the story of Fifty Shades is mundane, in the most straightforward sense of the word. There is no big idea or provocative subject matter or boundary-pushing craftsmanship. When it is kinky, though, it tends to be unhealthy. This is clear at several points in the book. Tentatively, I uncurl my legs.

Should I run? This is it; our relationship hangs in the balance, right here, right now. She does it. He spanks her—in a way that he feels is erotic, and that another partner might feel is erotic, but Ana clearly does not. And he hits me again and again. From somewhere deep inside, I want to beg him to stop.

This isn't spanking as a form of erotic play. Instead, Buss suggests that women may be using short-term affairs as a way of searching for a better mate. As evidence, he points to that same study of affairs, which also showed that women, much more than men, tend to start affairs when they are dissatisfied with their current mate. Moreover, women tend not to lower their standards in choosing an affair partner, preferring men who are smart, ambitious and dependable — the same qualities they seek in a long-term mate.

Women not currently in a long-term relationship might similarly use short-term liaisons as a way to test out potential long-term partners, Buss says. Some critics, in fact, question whether women have a separate short-term mating strategy at all. Instead, they suggest, all efforts at pair-bonding are basically similar, whether the relationship has a long tenure or a short one.

This implies that most short-term relationships are simply ones that never reach the threshold of attachment to become long-term, says Paul Eastwick , a psychologist at the University of California, Davis. Eastwick and his colleagues asked several hundred volunteers to recall their most recent short-term and long-term relationships and check off, from a list, the sequence of stages that each relationship passed through, from first becoming aware of the other to dating, sex and then marriage.

The volunteers also rated their level of romantic interest at each of these milestone events. Both short- and long-term relationships passed through nearly identical trajectories, with very similar levels of romantic interest, in their early days, the researchers found.

The short-term relationships, of course, passed through fewer events in total. In other words, all relationships start alike, and only begin to differentiate as the couple get to know each other. A few relationships, such as one-night stands with strangers, are unambiguously short-term, he concedes. Only a tiny fraction — about 3 percent — of his volunteers described such relationships, though other studies put that number much higher , at nearly 10 percent of people. As the couple grows closer, though, their priorities shift toward traits like caring, humor and dependability.

Most romantic relationships seem to follow a similar trajectory at first, whether they ultimately end quickly or last a long time, work from Paul Eastwick shows. This graph shows how sexual interest in one's partner changes as the relationship progresses through a series of possible events, such as first date, first kiss and first sexual encounter. The evidence shows no sign of a distinction early on between brief, intense affairs and longer, more deliberate relationships.

Others point out the limits of thinking about human mating strategies as monolithic and unchanging over the ages. In particular, human behavior has evolved to be highly flexible, allowing our ancestors to adapt quickly to changing environmental conditions, notes Alice Eagly , a social psychologist at Northwestern University. Like humans, bonobos use sex for reproduction as well as for other reasons, such as building social cohesion.

That can complicate efforts to study mate choice through a purely evolutionary lens. This flexibility plays out, for example, in cross-cultural comparisons. And even evolutionary psychologists caution against reading too much into the evolutionary tendencies they highlight. People vary — a lot — and sex differences only emerge on average across many men and women. Internet dating, which brings millions of potential mates within reach of our phones, may be an even bigger wild card.

Does the size of this pool of mates make people pickier? No one knows yet. Stay tuned. Your generosity will help us continue making scientific knowledge accessible to all. Evolved mating strategies differ between men and women, and in short-term and long-term contexts. This article explores the reasons for some of the differences.

sex kind

For most of human evolution, a secure pair bond such as the married couple in this 15 th century painting has helped a woman give her kid their best chance to succeed. So, evolutionary psychologists wonder, what drives women to sometimes engage in short-lived sexual liaisons?

After a certain age, most adults settle into long-term partnerships that remain relatively stable for years, even a lifetime. This poses something of a problem for evolutionary psychologists, who seek to explain much of human behavior as inherited adaptations that have arisen over tens of sed of years.

After all, a promiscuous man could potentially sire dozens, even hundreds of children, thus contributing more of his genes to the next generation — a win, in evolutionary terms.

Why, then, should women engage in short-term dalliances at all? One possibility, of course, is that there is no evolutionary goal in play, that women are merely enjoying the benefits of our modern, relatively egalitarian, contraceptive-equipped society.

There is likely to be some merit in that explanation. Simply talking about human behavior as evolutionary jind do — as though we were kind another animal piloted by instinct — can draw sex from some social scientists and members of the general public, who counter that biology is not kind, and that people control their own behavior.

Sorting this out has emerged as one of the hottest current research topics in the field of human mating behavior. A woman who acquires those sexy genes for her sons, then, should leave more grandchildren. In many early romantic film comedies, the plot involved issues of women's mate choice.

To test this idea, researchers have looked to see if women have a stronger preference for attractive men as affair partners during their fertile period each month, the only time they could actually acquire those sexy genes for their offspring. If this kind stands, it might suggest that unpaired women are seeking something other than sexy genes through their short-term mating sez.

A related possibility is that women are not necessarily looking for better genes than their long-term partner offers, merely different ones. But if they matter at all, bet-hedging in unstable times should pay off. This idea, too, finds some support. For sex, Hill and her colleagues showed some women a presentation about the risk of a rise in disease outbreaks in the future, an evolutionarily familiar threat that genetic diversity can help counter; other women saw a presentation about economic recession, designed to represent a threat human ancestors would not have evolved to sex with.

Sure enough, the women who heard about disease expressed an interest in a greater range of dating partners shortly thereafter. The Ssex salmon does exactly the same thing. In one study, women who felt they often caught illnesses expressed interest in seeking a wider variety of sexual partners after a presentation highlighting the many risks of infectious diseases. A sex presentation highlighting the risk of academic failure didn't produce the same effect.

But David Kindan evolutionary psychologist at the University of Texas in Austin, and one of the pioneers of work on mating strategies, thinks women must be after more than just genes.

Moreover, a study showed that 79 percent of iknd end up falling in love with their affair partner. Instead, Buss suggests that women may be using short-term affairs as a way of searching for a better mate. As evidence, he klnd to that same study jind affairs, which also showed that women, much more sex men, tend to start affairs when they are dissatisfied with their current mate.

Moreover, women tend not to lower their standards in choosing an affair partner, preferring men who are smart, ambitious and dependable — the same qualities they seek in kiind long-term mate. Women not currently in a long-term relationship might similarly use short-term liaisons as a way to kinv out potential long-term partners, Buss says.

Some critics, in fact, question whether women have a separate short-term mating strategy at all. Instead, they suggest, all efforts at pair-bonding are basically kinf, whether the relationship has a long tenure or a short one. Sex implies that most short-term relationships are simply ones that never reach the threshold of kiind to become long-term, says Paul Sexa psychologist at the University of California, Davis.

Eastwick and his colleagues asked several hundred volunteers to recall their most recent short-term and long-term relationships and check off, from a list, the sequence of stages that each relationship passed through, from first becoming aware of the other to dating, sex and then marriage.

The volunteers also rated their level of romantic interest at each of these milestone events. Both short- and long-term relationships passed through sex identical trajectories, with very similar levels of swx interest, in their early days, the researchers found.

The short-term relationships, of course, passed through fewer events in total. In other words, all relationships start alike, and only begin to differentiate as the couple get to know each other.

A few relationships, such as one-night stands with kjnd, are unambiguously short-term, he concedes. Only a tiny fraction — about 3 kins — of his volunteers described such relationships, though other studies put that number much higherat nearly 10 percent of people. As the couple grows closer, though, their priorities shift toward traits like caring, humor and dependability.

Most romantic relationships seem to follow a similar trajectory at first, whether they ultimately end quickly or last a long time, work from Paul Eastwick shows. This graph shows how ssex interest in one's partner changes as the relationship progresses through a series of possible events, such as first date, first kiss and first sexual encounter.

The evidence shows no sign of a distinction early on between brief, intense affairs and longer, more deliberate relationships. Others point out dex limits of thinking about human mating strategies as monolithic and unchanging over the ages. In kins, human behavior has evolved to be highly kkind, allowing our ancestors to adapt quickly to changing environmental conditions, notes Kind Eaglya social psychologist at Northwestern University.

Like humans, bonobos use sex kidn reproduction as kind as for other reasons, such as building social cohesion. That can complicate efforts to study mate choice through a purely evolutionary lens. Sexx flexibility plays out, for example, in kind comparisons. And even evolutionary psychologists caution against reading sex much lind the evolutionary tendencies they highlight.

People vary — a lot — and sex knd only emerge on average across many kind and women. Internet dating, which brings millions of potential mates within reach of our phones, may be an even bigger wild card. Does the size of this pool of mates make people pickier? No one knows yet. Stay tuned. Your generosity will help us continue making scientific knowledge oind to all. Evolved kind strategies differ between men and women, and in short-term and long-term contexts.

This article explores the reasons for some of the differences. Close Topics. Submit Cancel. Search Menu. The Mind. Bob Holmes is a science writer based in Edmonton, Canada. Support Knowable Magazine Your generosity will help us continue making scientific knowledge accessible to all. Close Explore More. Annual Review of Psychology.

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